Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hook [hoo k] –noun
A hook is used to pull someone into a piece of writing. It interests people in the composition.

I figured the previous explanation blog post wasn’t enough of hook to keep you coming back, so here I am at round 2.

Figuring out the appropriate words to describe pregnancy is a daily struggle. I am constantly asked how I am feeling, how Brianna is doing, and how my pregnancy has been. I usually answer these questions with a simple “I’m doing great”, or something along these lines. But I wish I could tell everyone how pregnancy REALLY is.
But let me reiterate: Figuring out the APPROPRIATE words to describe pregnancy is a struggle. It might be possible for me to write an essay on all of the interesting/amazing/unattractive aspects of pregnancy, but although I find these things amazing, others may not. So I try not to over-share.

Here’s the thing: I love pregnancy. I don’t love it in the way that I want to stay pregnant forever. I love it in the way that it makes me laugh. I love it like I love Will Ferrell. I love that (besides my occasional outburst of tears and/or nasty attitude) I find it ALL to be hysterical. But mustn’t we do just that: laugh at life? Where in the world would I be if I couldn’t laugh about the awkward, painful, stinky, disgusting things in life?

Funny #1
That’s right… farting. Let’s just say that pre-pregnancy I tried to get to an empty and well-ventilated restroom before letting a poot out, and NOW… I feel like I’m working for the bomb squad. I have woken Michael and myself up with my atrocious bodily functions (to his laughter and amusement). I also will walk down the hall at work and let a fart go that I didn’t even realize existed in me. There’s no preparing for these monsters. They’re loud, unpredictable, usually stinky, and uncontrollable.

Funny #2
Pregnancy brain.
I was already lacking a few brain cells to begin with, so add “pregnancy brain” to the mix and I’m slower than molasses going uphill in January (I wish you could see my typos right now). I’m in perma-brain-fart mode and can’t seem to speak without pronouncing words incorrectly or using the incorrect conjugation (for an English word).

Me, talking to Michael on the phone after work: Did you eat yourself?
Michael: [Silence]…What?
Me: A sandwich. Did you eat yourself a sandwich?
Michael: [laughter]

The thoughts just don’t run together as smoothly as they used to!

Funny #3
Swollen legs/ankles/feet = walking no more. Pair waddling with farting and you’ve got a real treat.

Funny #4
Trying to do things you did pre-pregnancy.
Like dancing, bending over, being seductive. Dancing’s the best – nothing quite as hilarious as a pregnant lady with bad stability on her feet trying not to look like a cow having seizures.  

Funny #5
Getting out of bed.
This used to be funny but it’s starting to get outright uncomfortable, and painful if I go too fast. I don’t “get out of bed”. No, I roll out.
Not that I just roll over and swing my legs around to the ground.
No ma’am.
I roll off the edge, hold onto something, and at the last minute bring my toe/knee/shin down to the ground before I face plant. It’s like being a super awkward egg with extremities and to get anywhere all you can do is roll.

Funny #6
Baby product names.
Bumbo. Boppy. Moby. Snot Sucker. Pee Pee Tee Pee. Wubbanub. Hooter Hider. And yes, these are real baby products. No lie.

Funny #7
Passerby: I think there’s cake.
Me: Cake? Where?? Where’s cake? Why won’t you answer me? Where is the cake?

Funny #8
Pain in strange places.
I never would have thought in a million years I’d be complaining that my belly button hurts. Pre-pregnancy Marie would have cracked up, thinking that was a joke.

Funny #9
Pee time, all the time.
I’ve just joined the ranks of those ladies who know what it’s like to stand still, clench all muscles in your body, and sneeze… for fear of peeing on yourself. Gentlemen: do not judge women who hold in their sneezes. There’s a reason behind the madness. And what about those quick runs to the john for nothing but a tinkle? Yeah, you gatta laugh.

Funny #10
My body must be someone else’s.
In all honesty, with all of the completely horrific things that have happened to my body (and that will no doubt happen soon), I am cherishing this bod. I love it. I love Brianna and I love that my body is changing to accommodate her. But some of the things that are occurring are disgusting/painful/sad. Granted I don’t know what everything looks like; some parts of me I can no longer see. Other parts are straight out of National Geographic. Oy!

And really life (not just pregnancy) is all what you make of it. I know plenty of people who complain more than they breathe.

A pessimist only sees the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philospher sees both sides and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all -- he's walking on them.
--Leonard L. Levinson

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